What to Do If You Are Being Abused: Six Proven Steps to Fight Family Violence
By Jerry L. Brinegar, Ph.D., LMFT
1.Admit that the abuse is a serious problem.
The first step in breaking the habit of family violence is to admit to yourself that you are a victim of serious abuse. I have often heard abused women say, "He doesn't hit me all the time…only once or twice a month. The rest of the time he is pretty good." or "He's really a very nice person, very caring. It just happens when he is mad, and that's not everyday." or "I love him so much. I know he doesn't really mean to hurt me." However, to break the cycle of abuse, you must tell yourself that the abuse is not all right. It is a serious problem. You deserve to be treated with respect. You have the right to feel safe from physical harm, especially in your own home!
Family abuse is much like alcohol addiction. Until a person addicted to alcohol is able to stand up and say, "I am an alcoholic," treatment and prognosis is extremely poor. Usually addicts must become sick and tired of their situation before they will seek out help or treatment. The same is true for victims of abuse. Until you acknowledge the abuse and say "I am a victim of spouse abuse, and I am ready to take action to end future abuse," it is very likely that you will continue to be a victim for a long time.
2. Prepare emergency actions ahead of time.
If you are being abused, you need to have an immediate plan of action. Just as individuals make escape plans in case of fire, you should have an escape plan for family violence. My main advice is to get out…and get out fast. You may feel trapped or be afraid for your children. However, you need to take your children, leave the premises, and not go back.
Plan for your escape by hiding your car keys in an easily accessible place with some extra money. Know where you are going to go. Make sure that it is a safe place and that the location is unknown to your spouse. In many areas, there are shelters for battered spouses that can provide free room and board for several days for you and your children.
If you are unable to get out, call the police. Also call your local emergency medical unit, you may be injured worse than you think and need medical attention. Memorize these numbers and have them written down by the phone.
Most importantly, remember that violent outbursts and abusive behavior only get worse without intervention and rehabilitation. Don't let your spouse sweet-talk you with remorseful begging and promises that it will never happen again. It will!
3. Get professional help.
Talk to a professional therapist about the problem. You probably have some very old and self-defeating conversations with yourself about being abused. As long as you stay committed to those conversations, change is not likely to occur. Abused spouses need to develop new conversations about themselves.
Family violence is often a well-kept secret. Healing will begin if you talk about the secret. A professional family therapist who is trained in family violence can help. A secret loses its power when told. So if you want the monster out of the house, you must talk about it and face up to it. It really is okay to tell. In fact, it is your only hope! If you keep the abuse silent and secret, it will continue, and it will get worse.
I want to say this about professional help. It has been my experience that when a perpetrator of spousal abuse actually makes it to therapy, either court ordered or voluntarily, he will likely stop the abuse by simply being told to do so. Once the abuse is public knowledge, it often stops then and there. It is imperative that you make the problem public. Tell as many people as possible like your friends, family, neighbors, the church, the community. And most importantly, seek professional help that can provide supportive intervention in a rehabilitating way.
4. Join support groups that are available in your community.
Shelters for battered spouses can provide information about local support groups. Most community mental health agencies can also provide this information. The Department of Family and Children's Services provides such programs as "Mother's Day Out" to help with childcare. While you're in the safety of a shelter or a friend or family member's house, take time to explore and familiarize yourself with the programs that are available to you.
5. Take legal action.
If your spouse will not stop the violence, take out a civil protection order and follow through with it. If you have been abused and the police have been called, follow through by testifying in court and standing up for your rights. Love is no excuse for accepting physical and emotional abuse!
In most states, law enforcement officials are required by law to make an arrest when domestic violence has occurred. In the early 1970s, a police officer actually had to witness the abuse to make an arrest. If the officer arrived on the scene after the abuse had occurred, he or she could only advise the victim to swear out a warrant and, in some cases, provide protection while the abused person safely left the scene. Now, with the passing of new legislation, all you have to do is tell the officer that your spouse or boyfriend hit you and the officer can make an arrest under family violence codes.
I take a firm stand on family violence. There is no gray area; there is no compromise. It must stop, and you must stop it. I also take the stand that, if you don't stop it, society has the responsibility to intervene and stop it for you with or without your cooperation. The bottom line on family violence is intervention. You must stop it from the start! The first time is the beginning of the habit, so walk out the first time period! Do not stay and see if it will happen again. It will. I cannot say that enough! It will not get better by staying.
6. Divorce him and move on.
If your spouse refuses professional help or refuses to change even if he does get professional help, divorce him and move on. The day of staying in a marriage to be a loyal, subservient martyr is over. Nobody deserves to be beaten and abused.
Before you marry again, be certain that you have sufficiently worked through the issues that facilitated your mate selection in the first place. What is it that you can be more aware of the second time around? Ask a new mate if there is any history of violence in his family. Family violence is transmitted through generations of learning. If there is an obvious generational pattern of family violence, proceed (if at all) with extreme caution. Some people say that if you want to know how a man is going to treat his wife, you should watch how he treats his sister and/or mother. Also, when visiting his family, pay attention to how his father treats his mother and sisters. All of this is valuable information to help you avoid another abusive relationship.
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